I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
