so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
