If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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