dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
