Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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