Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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