I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
