I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
