when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
