He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
