my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
