i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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