mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
