he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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