i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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