I have demons in me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
