I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
