i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
