I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
