If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
