oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
