Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
