now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
