if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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