don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
