we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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