u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
