Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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