where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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