you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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