The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
