Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nicole vs. Life
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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