mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
