nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
