I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
