last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
