I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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