I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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