god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
