I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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