rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
