She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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