Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
