Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
