Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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