I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
