is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
