i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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