i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
