The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
