This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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