i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
