i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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