God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
